I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
