He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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