My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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