it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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