...so i touched it.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
