I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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