Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think my vagina is haunted
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
