Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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