just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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