I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
