u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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