he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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