Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
