beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
