I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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