What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize