I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
God, I missed his penis.
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