Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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