my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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