all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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