Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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