i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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