imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
