Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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