i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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