His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
