My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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