My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize