Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
