My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
