I think I won the penis lottery.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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