I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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