In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
