i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
