brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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