oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
