At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
