I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
being pregnant is like rehab
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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