Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
