Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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