That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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