Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
