I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
is wine microwaveable?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
