An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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