Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
