it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize