she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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