FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize