oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
