the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
