i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How's work?
Spinning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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