Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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