my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
my liver is dry heaving
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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