ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
