Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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